16 November 2009

10 Commandments of Pregnancy

I found this on the pregnancy message board I spend most of my time on. It made me laugh and realize how blessed I am that I haven't had to deal with most of these.

1. The appropriate response to a couple/mother advising they/she is having a baby is "Congratulations". Say it like you mean it. Anything less than that makes you look like a jerk.

2. Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father~~NOT the grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus, or you are the man that helped put it there, you are forbidden from EVER using the phrase "MY BABY".

3. Furthermore, on that same note, unless you made the baby (reference #2), the pregnancy, the birth and subsequent views and rules about raising the child are not about and will never be about you. You have no input. No one solicited your opinion and, if one is needed, we will ask for it.

4. The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. No touchy! I do not randomly ask you about your uterus, cervix or plans for use of your breasts...do me the same courtesy and refrain from asking me about mine. Pregnancy does not remove or void all traces of privacy from me but it has rendered me completely incapable of dealing with other people's BS and stupid comments.

5. No woman wants to hear any comments about weight gain. EVER! A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you feel she is about to pop when this pregnant woman knows she has at least 8 weeks left to go. All you managed to do is render a veiled "you're fat" remark. This also means any comments saying she must be having twins, she looks like she's retaining water and her nose is spreading are also unacceptable. Don't say she looks thin because then the mother-to-be will worry she is starving her baby. If you insist on making comments about a pregnant woman's physique then be prepared for the backlash that will no doubt ensue when it's our turn to ask you about how big you are. The best reply is "You look gorgeous/fabulous/radiant/amazing!"

6. We already know it's hot during the summer. It's always been hot in the summer. Don't be the person who needs to point out to us how hot it is in the summer during our pregnancy/before we deliver.

7. Ticketmaster does not sell tickets to Labor & Delivery for a reason. This has to do with the mother/father or whomever the MOTHER decides is suitable to be in the room. This is a private and emotional event. We'd rather not have an entire host of family members checking out our junk during delivery. You didn't help put the baby there and you're not watching it come out. We know your feelings are hurt....this too shall pass.

8. If you did not receive an invitation to the ultrasound, amnio, hospital, L&D, home- then you were not invited. You do not get to trump the mother's call on this one. Don't think you are doing us a favor by just showing up to "help out". If your assistance is needed, it will be requested.

9. If you are asked to come help after the birth then your duties are restricted to cleaning the house, cooking the meals and staying out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluids from various locations get up to do the tasks you agreed to help out with isn't helping. It now means you're being a pain in the butt.

10. From here on out, the only people that are entitled to have exclusive time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you come to the hospital or wait a month before coming to see the new baby, that is the parent's call...not yours. Be appreciative that you are given the privilege of seeing their child. If you complain, whine or act like a butthead by showing any level of disappointment then your visits, should they be granted, will be restricted.

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